Time

Sometimes I look at this blog and remember that it used to be such a big part of my life.  I would write many of my feelings here.  I felt so much passion for it and it was a safe place to release my emotions and tender feelings.

Life is full and busy.  I keep thinking things will settle down yet those times haven't come yet.  I know they eventually will but for now life is still a whirlwind.

I'm still working twice a week in the ER.  It used to be different there.  Healthcare is changing.  It used to be about actually taking care of patients but now it is through-put, cost, patient satisfaction, and a million other things.  It's such a corporate industry now.  Not something I like.  I have thought long and hard about closing this chapter of my life and opening a new one.  I'm not quite there yet but I feel it is close.

My Mom has cancer, a cardiac angio-sarcoma to be exact.  She was diagnosed 18 months ago.  Life expectancy is less than twelve months with this aggressively growing cancer.  She has beaten all of the odds except that now things aren't looking that great.  They thought that with 16 rounds of chemo the tumor had shrunk and they thought that they could surgically remove it earlier in the week.

More bad  news.  The tumor hadn't shrunk but has been growing and has now spread outside of the heart.  It is in the lymphatic system and it is only a matter of time until the cancer attaches to another organ.

We are trying to focus on the "time" element.  We had to tell her when she woke up from surgery that it wasn't successful.  That was hard.  She was hoping to be cured with this surgery.  We have all been sad.

Time is a funny thing.  Sometimes it seems like there is too much of it and other times we can't get enough.

Maybe this is why I am questioning my job again.  I feel like time is going quickly and I only have one life.